Vin-Dic-Tive

I wrote it the way it sounds to me.  Choppy and aggressive like the people who are stuck with it.  Some people are vindictive chronically and they cannot help but be that way.  Some people are vindictive occasionally.  Some play are vindictive to make gains in negotiations.  Regardless of the reason, if  you are vindictive,  Please stop it.  It does not work.  If you are pretending, it is easy to stop, but if you are like that, you probably do not know that you are.  So, I will help you in this article identify vindictive behavior whether you are the sender or the receiver of it.

Vindictive in Merriam Webster online is defined as “vengeful, who tries to cause hurt or anguish.”  But there is more.  I felt the definition does not do the word justice and can easily cause it to be confused with other behaviors.  So I went into to the online thesaurus to find its antonym (opposite).  The antonym for vindictive is “Forgiving”.  I think between the definition and the antonym it is easy to understand the meaning of the word.

To remove any ambiguity, I would like to use an example I went through yesterday.  I will use words of a relative of mine, bless his heart.  This person has good intent and wants what is better for me, but he was very vindictive.  Here is where it gets complicated.  I do not think he is vindictive because he wants what is good for me.  He is vindictive because it is his nature, the poor guy.  So, something inside makes him want to be vindictive.  And so, he will dish out his vindictiveness whenever he gets a chance; when he loves someone he is vindictive:”You know I love you and I want what is best for you, this is why I might say things that make you angry.  But really, how come you are not a multi millionnaire yet? after years of working hard, and still you do not have anything to show for it?  Someone like you would have been a tycoon by now.” See? vindictive big time.  He loves you and he uses this loving opportunity to be vindictive and satisfy himself.  Ahh the beauty of the complex human psyche.  I just love it (I dont love vindictive, but I love the design of the psyche).  So everything gets twisted to help the vindictive be vindictive.  Let us give another example.  Someone made a minor mistake in the car in front of him: “Idiot.  Does not know how to drive.  The country is full of idiots driving.  How do they give them license?  This country is full of worthless bums.  Animals.”  Sorry for the harsh words but I wanted to choose excerpts from actual lines I have heard during vindictive behavior.  I bet you heard these lines too.  This does not mean that whoever uses them is vindictive.  It means that at that moment his behavior is that of a vindictive.  Now if he is like that all the time, he is a vindictive fella.  If this happens once in a blue moon, is one thing.  But if this is a pattern of behavior then this is definitely a vinedictive person.

I cannot but draw attention to a related personality disorder when talking about vindictiveness.  Which is narcissism.  Usually vindictive behavior can be seen from narcissists.  I do not have scientific proof, but this is from my observation.

Vindictiveness can be very disguised.  Even harsh blame is vindictiveness.  “Didnt I tell you to do this properly? when will you learn to do better? Why are you like that all the time?”  See? very easy to fall into vindictiveness mode.  Sometimes, it is not even words.  It is a look that you give your child or a sigh of disapproval, or a smurk on your face.  All vindictive.

How not to be vindictive? the antonym I mentioned above gives it away easily: Be a forgiving person.  Be a loving person.  Be tolerant.  This does not mean you let people walk all over you.  And it does not mean that you do not ask people to stop when they bother you, or prevent people from hurting you.  It means that you do not do it with vindictiveness.

Aikido is an antonym to vindictiveness, in my opinion.  Aikido is a japanese martial art.  It only starts with defensive moves.  Meaning, if the person in front of you does not initiate attack, you cannot use it.  So it starts by disarming the person in front of you, then applying some pain just to show him that his aggressiveness has consequences.  But you do it in the utmost respect to the humanity of your opponent.  I believe Aikido summarizes how we need to behave and react without vindictiveness.

If you are surrounded by vindictive people, try to stay away from them and not pay attention too much to what they say.  They can hurt you.  Remember they usually make wrong assumptions and give false proofs to prove to you that you deserve to be hurt.  For example:”Look at Ahmed.  He sold a land for hundred percent profit in a year.  So, why can’t you be like him?” The vindictive person is making the assumption that everyone is making money by the millions except you.  False assumption.  If you fall for it you start hurting “Oh yeah.  He is right! how come I am not like Ahmed.” Please.  Spare yourself andthe people around you the drama.  You are beautiful the way you are and have excellent strengths.  Let us start with that and improve upon it.  Remember? Love and forgiveness? Start with loving and forgiving self and do not pay attention to the Vin-Dic-Tives.

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How to deal with a boss who thinks she is too smart for you!

If you have to deal with a boss who thinks she is too smart for you, at least it would be good to know their weakness to use it to protect yourself.

Some manipulators think they are smarter than everybody and they can fool all with their ploys.  It is true many will be fooled but many also will not.  The boss thinks no one is up to his ploys, and those who hate him hate him because he is a great guy and they are jealous.

I know this sounds pitiful but if you know a manipulator you know what I mean exactly.

So how can you use this against them? let them think they got you fooled.  that does not mean that you let them hurt you, but pretend that you do not see their tricks and that they fooled you.  they put down their guard and now you can protect yourself by playing innocent and oblivious.

Here is an example.  Let us say that she repeatedly is trying to have you work on the weekends and do some of her work for her, by saying that it is so easy and won’t take you a minute.  She might even make you feel guilty thats he is loaded with work and she needs this for her boss so importantly and she will be in trouble if you do not help her.  You know better.  Because you know all she is trying to do is to get you to do her work for her and you know her overworking you is the norm not the exception.

So, what you need to do is to show her empathy.  Feel with her.  Tell her you appreciate what she is going through, but give her a reason why you cannot help and it has to be true.  Do not lie, but be clear that you have something important to attend to.  For example, you are having neck pains which requires rest over the weekend.  (If you do not have neck pains, then do not lie, and pick something else.) Tell her you promised your kids to take them somewhere this weekend and you do not want to weasel out of it because they will be angry with you.

Here is another tip for you.  choose an excuse that she herself would use.  For example, if her kids are on her case for staying at work too long, use something related to that.  If she has a back ache or a neck ache that prevents her from working, use that.  Again, do not lie, but try to use something that she can relate to.  And believe me the only thing they can relate to is somthing they are going through.  They cannot relate to something from your perspective.  It has to be from their perspective.

Since she thinks you are sincere and that you did not catch her plot, and she feels that she herself can relate to the excuse, you will get off the hook without her using too much vengeance or guilt trips on you.

Try it and enjoy it 🙂

Games Abusers Play on You – Part 1

When bullies and abusers feel they are exposed and their con is clear to you, they might react in one of two ways: The first is to get angry and get back at you for exposing them.  The second is to lay it on thicker and bring out the nice guy personality where they shower you with kindness and gentleness.  They use the second technique to confuse you and to make you feel guilty that you even doubted them.

I want to talk about the second behavior because it is very dangerous.  When you see kindness from the bully you start blaming yourself for doubting him and think that you were unfair of thinking of him so badly.  This is exactly his intent.  He is manipulating you .  To prove it, wait until you accept his nice behavior and accept him again, and see how he goes back to his same old cunning deceiptful manipulation.

This is why relationships with abusers and bullies usually go through cycles of ups and downs.  He abuses you until you are fed up.  When he feels you are about to leave and just had enough, he switches to kindness and gentleness and pampers you to the extreme.  Then you soften and go back to square one of abuse.

You can avoid this vicious cycle and its effect on your emotions and health by following a couple of tips I tried.

Instead of letting him control the cycle, you control it.  Meaning, get to the point where he has to be extra nice, don’t accept it completely by becoming nice again to him, but accept it to the point where you accept his nice behavior without getting too nice to him.  Now, when he feels he is ready to switch back to old self, don’t wait until you cannot take it anymore.  Reduce your tolerance a bit and make him feel that the red lines you drew in the relationship got tighter a little bit.  For example, if he is used to ridiculing you before subliminally, and you do not do anything about it until he starts doing it explicitly, the next cycle, draw the line at any subliminal demaning behavior.  Ask him why is he doing that, then ask him to stop.  Don’t give him a chance to make you feel guilty , or come up with excuses.  Walk out of the situation as if you are fed up.  Next time you see him he will try to talk about it to convince you that you acted unreasonably and that he was not putting you down, refuse to discuss it and tell him that this is making you feel uncomfortable and that you are not willing to talk about it.  he will get mad, but he will know that this is a red line and he cannot cross it.

This way the area that bothers you and you do not tolerate will get smaller and the abuse will subside a bit by bit.  He will probably  try to find another person to abuse since you are not taking it anymore.

Don’t think that you can fix him let us not get over board.  They will never see themselves as doing something wrong or that they need fixing.  They just move from one abuse-ready person to another.  At least shield yourself and hopefully others should be able to fend for themselves.

Let me know if you are familiar with this behavior and let me know if my technique works.

How to deal with Cunning Deceiptful Manipulators

This video from youtube talks specifically about the CDM personality.  It talks about how to spot them, why they are the way they are, and practical tips on how to deal with them.  Please take a look and give me your feedback if you tried any of them.  here is the link How to Deal with Cunning Deceiptful Manipulators.

Vector the Narcissist – Despicable Me

One of the lighter portrayals of a narcissist in cartoons is Vector from Despicable Me.  It is light hearted but clearly shows some of the personal characteristics of the narcissist personality.  Check out this clip from youtubeand tell me what you think 🙂