The Only Two Reasons Abusers Target YOU

The Only Two Reasons Abusers Target YOU

  1. They are abusers.  They target people with their abuse.  Some target animals.  Many target themselves.  But most target other people. Why? because they at the moment they decide to abuse, they are sick.  Sick personalities.
  2. You specifically were abused because they needed someone to abuse, they chose you, and you are not stopping them.  Now before you start pointing fingers at me saying I am blaming the victim, I want to make it clear I am not.  I am not blaming you for not stopping them.  But the reason they were able to abuse you is that you did not or could not or chose not to stop them.  This does not mean you are weak, vulnerable, have a weak personality or any of these things.  So stop telling yourself that.  It is as simple as you did not stop them.  Maybe you could not.  Maybe they are too powerful. Or they caught you at a weak moment.  They are sneaky that way, you know.

Abusers try to guess  by looking at people and observing them who they should abuse.  they start with a mild abuse intervention.  Like saying an implied insult, or put down.  Maybe by a snicker, or a demaning look.  Then they wait and see if you tolerate it.  Tolerate it means you do not take action to stop the abuse.  So, if you act in a way to stop the abuser, they usually stop and go target someone else.  But if you do not and only show fear, anger, hurt, but do nothing about it, they will continue further to more hurtful actions.

Sometimes the action you take can be passive and that is OK.  You can just leave the room, avoid this person, etc.  But sometimes you cannot.  In that case you have to confront.  Confront might sound harsh, but confrontation might be as simple as saying “stop it.”  or “don’t do that that.”  Sometimes you cannot even say these things.  And that is understandable.  But one needs to know unless an action is taken to stop the abuse, it will probably continue.

Some make the mistake by returning the abuse, then you get into a messy situation.   The abuser probably wants a fight of abuse back and forth.  It shows him that everyone is like that not just him.  Not wise.  Walk away, tell them to stop, talk to someone who can make them stop, or anything you can do to make it stop.

Abusers are sick people.  They want to ease their sickness through abuse. That is their problem not yours.  Take action.  You are worth it.  You can do it.  Try it.  the first time you stand up to an abuser it might be tough but it becomes easier once you do it.

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When verbal abusers screen for next victim

A verbal abuser have a nagging urge to find a victim to abuse.  This is why when one victim is no longer taking the verbal abuse, because they refuse to do so any more, they moved, or they have grown, the abuser has to find another victim.  So they start screening.  What do they look for?

I am not a psychiatrist, but I think what they need is a profile that triggers the abusive behavior.  They need to spot weakness that they can “pick” on.  Here are a couple of scenarios that I have seen from real life, and they are worth paying attention to, as they are unfortunately common but some people do not notice them.

A verbal abuser first starts experimenting with a potential victim, to see how much verbal abuse they are willing to take.  This is why sometimes we need to be less tolerant rather than more tolerant, especially when it comes to taking negative messages from others.  

Here is an example of everyday verbal abuse situations that most of us tolerate, and abusers con us with: “Can I tell you something and without you getting hurt by it?” they expect you to say “sure.”  You have just given them a Cart Blanche to abuse you. Instead of saying “sure,” you might want to consider saying “thanks, but no thanks.”  If the abuser thinks the statement is hurtful, probably it is.  If you let them, they can say anything they want and they usually get away with it.  If you get angry they say “I told you that you might get angry.” If you do not, then they know they threw their poison on you, which strangely enough gives them some kind of temporary relief of their own poor self image.Not everybody who uses this statement is an abuser, but still one has to be careful of consistent use to hurt others.

This happens also in business.  There are so many forms of it in business, but here is a common example.  Some, to show respect for the boss at work, they belittle themselves with body gestures or things they say about themselves.  So, they put their shoulders down, in a very appeasing body posture and start their conversations with the boss or client with long apologetic remarks: “I am so sorry to bother you with my silly issues but if you kind find out of kindness a minute for me?”  I mean such “spineless,” so to speak, statements and behavior tell the boss “I am an easy prey to become a doormat for your abusive behavior.  Low self esteem here…feel free to abuse.”  There is a big difference between being respectful and being submissive.  It shows from the way one carries self.  

Do not misinterpret my words as encouraging cruelness or to be against kindness and sensitivity.  To the contrary, I think the strongest personalities out there are the kind ones, and the sensitive ones are the creative ones, given they have a good self image.  

A kind person with a good self image might be mistaken for a good victim for abuse.  But abusers find and usually quickly that they better stay away.  They benefit from low tolerance to intentional negativity, and they steer away from it, confront it.  Remember there is room for finesse, strategy, and tactical maneuvers in all of this.

Even if self image is shaken a bit, one does not have to succumb to verbal abuse.  There are things that you can do to stop it.  Here are a couple of YouTube videos that I have done previously on the subject.  How to Deal with Difficult People and How to Deal with Cunning Deceitful Manipulators.