When bullies and abusers feel they are exposed and their con is clear to you, they might react in one of two ways: The first is to get angry and get back at you for exposing them. The second is to lay it on thicker and bring out the nice guy personality where they shower you with kindness and gentleness. They use the second technique to confuse you and to make you feel guilty that you even doubted them.
I want to talk about the second behavior because it is very dangerous. When you see kindness from the bully you start blaming yourself for doubting him and think that you were unfair of thinking of him so badly. This is exactly his intent. He is manipulating you . To prove it, wait until you accept his nice behavior and accept him again, and see how he goes back to his same old cunning deceiptful manipulation.
This is why relationships with abusers and bullies usually go through cycles of ups and downs. He abuses you until you are fed up. When he feels you are about to leave and just had enough, he switches to kindness and gentleness and pampers you to the extreme. Then you soften and go back to square one of abuse.
You can avoid this vicious cycle and its effect on your emotions and health by following a couple of tips I tried.
Instead of letting him control the cycle, you control it. Meaning, get to the point where he has to be extra nice, don’t accept it completely by becoming nice again to him, but accept it to the point where you accept his nice behavior without getting too nice to him. Now, when he feels he is ready to switch back to old self, don’t wait until you cannot take it anymore. Reduce your tolerance a bit and make him feel that the red lines you drew in the relationship got tighter a little bit. For example, if he is used to ridiculing you before subliminally, and you do not do anything about it until he starts doing it explicitly, the next cycle, draw the line at any subliminal demaning behavior. Ask him why is he doing that, then ask him to stop. Don’t give him a chance to make you feel guilty , or come up with excuses. Walk out of the situation as if you are fed up. Next time you see him he will try to talk about it to convince you that you acted unreasonably and that he was not putting you down, refuse to discuss it and tell him that this is making you feel uncomfortable and that you are not willing to talk about it. he will get mad, but he will know that this is a red line and he cannot cross it.
This way the area that bothers you and you do not tolerate will get smaller and the abuse will subside a bit by bit. He will probably try to find another person to abuse since you are not taking it anymore.
Don’t think that you can fix him let us not get over board. They will never see themselves as doing something wrong or that they need fixing. They just move from one abuse-ready person to another. At least shield yourself and hopefully others should be able to fend for themselves.
Let me know if you are familiar with this behavior and let me know if my technique works.