Look who’s talking – Part 1: The awareness

It is amazing how much of daily conversation is taken over by ego.  Ego is the background noise from the brain that tries to interpret the world to us, with the goal of protecting us from ourselves and the world: “Be careful, it might rain today, take the umbrella,” is an innocent example of what the ego is telling you.  In the very old days, the ego had a bigger role to play by warning us of lurking dangers, like beasts, bandits, floods, etc.  However, today it has to deal mostly with less mundane tasks like reminding you of the umbrella.  So far so good and things look fine on the surface.  However, that which is supposed to help us dodge danger is becoming the danger itself.

[Side note: The last line sounds like one from the script of a horror movie, and it is meant to be, as my ego wants to draw your attention.  Ego loves attention.  It makes it feel alive.  It assumes that attention is needed to be alive. Deep inside, each of us knows that to be untrue.  Back to the dangers of the ego.]  

Let us look at things from another perspective: Stress.  Most of us if not all suffer from it to one degree or another, but few pay attention to what it really is and where it comes from.  Many just dismiss it as just “feeling tired,” or “having a headache,” or even feeling sad, angry, or afraid. In reality that is most probably caused by stress.  Stress always comes from the ego, not from any outside effects.  Here is the proof: Take a toddler who is sitting close to a very venomous snake.   He has no worry in the world.  Probably you the reader imagining the situation have more stress about it than the child does.  Why? He has no ego interpreting the observation into a stressful thought.  In other words he does not “think” he is in danger. Put an adult in the situation, and he or she might have trauma from it for the rest of their lives.  What is the difference? The THOUGHT of being in danger.

Before this turns philosophical, the point here is that the THOUGHT is what causes the stress, not the outside effects.  We think of outside effects and interpret them as dangerous, scary, threatening, uncomfortable, etc.  It is a judgment.  Here is the trick: Sometimes the ego, in its zealous attempt to keep us safe, takes its job too seriously and starts interfering with every observation in our lives and finds the danger in it, no matter how silly it is.  Thus comes most of the stress in people’s lives.  The ego trying to show you the pain in any situation: “He is trying to put you down,” “she is very annoying.” “I do not like this person,” “What if this bad thing happens?” etc.  Your ego is trying to be smart to protect you, while in reality it is “spooking” you out of your wits and causing you stress.  It is like an overly protective mother who drives her daughter or son to stay confined at home in fear of what playing with the neighbors’ kids could cause; a fall, a fight, etc.  So instead of helping the child, the child is fearful and traumatized and not willing to go out there and just live.

Sometimes we get so used to our ego telling us what to do that we start losing touch of who we are and associate ourselves with our ego.  We think we are the protective voice in our brains.  So, we succumb to it, listen to it, and obey.  The ego becomes more confident, if you will, and builds mastery in how to manipulate you and your feelings to do what it dictates.

To test this, listen carefully to your thoughts throughout a given day.  When you get an uncomfortable emotion, ask yourself what caused it.  You will find it is caused by a though that interpreted a situation.  Not the situation, no matter how tough it is.  This point of realization can mark the beginning one’s journey of dissociating from the ego.  The journey of awareness, acceptance, and surrender.

A Layman’s perspective on phobias

Everybody has them, but not everybody is aware of it or admits it.  Phobia is an irrational fear of something.  It can be snakes, heights, airplanes, travel, germs, or sickness, which are some common ones.  Or it can be of bridges, clowns, or even being tickled by feathers (it is true).

Some think that THEY ARE their phobia, so they do not identify it as a separate symptom, but part of who they are.  As a result they never try to solve the problem as it is not a problem, but “just the way they are.”  This is giving up to the phobia and identifying with it, instead of identifying with who one truly is.

Some are ashamed of having phobias, which makes it more destructive, as it degrades their view of themselves.  For example in Middle Eastern cultures, being afraid is associated with cowardice.  There is a difference between phobia and cowardice.  Phobia is an irrational persistent fear in the mind.  Cowardice is completely succumbing to the irrational fear, instead of trying to separate it from who you truly are and then labeling it as what it truly is: just a perception in the mind.  Some define FEAR as Fake Evidence Appearing Real.

Some succumb to phobias, and alter their behavior and daily life dramatically to accommodate them.  The ironic thing is the result of this behavior is more phobias and more succumbing to them.  It never lets as long as one runs away from it.  The only way to deal with phobias is to confront it and deal with it.  One way to do so is to find out what it really is and separating it from who you truly are.

Eckhart Tolle talks about phobia a:s fear of the future based on dreading of the past.  it is not about what is happening right now.  It is triggered by an interpretation of the mind of something happening in the now, but it has nothing to do with reality.  It is just a perception of the mind of a future problem.  According to Tolle, when humans face problems in the now they deal with them without phobia.  They just deal with them.  The phobia part is fear of the unknown future.  An evidence to prove that might be the fact that some of the more relaxed, safe, and secure communities worldwide suffer more from phobia than the people living in distressed economies.  In distressed economies, they are dealing with a problem they have in the now.  No phobia is needed.  Those who live a lavish lifestyle might be afraid to lose it and that may lead to phobia.

One of the more interesting perspectives on phobia that I have heard is of a well known Muslim scholar, Dr Mohammed Rateb Ennabilsi, who considers phobia a result of one or group of wrong perceptions about life.  So, phobia sometimes is telling us indirectly that we need to be searching for better understanding of ourselves and the world around us.  This is when phobia becomes an opportunity to learn more about self and to face the big questions of life, then work diligently on finding real answers that put our minds and more importantly our “selves” at ease. Seeking the truth and fulfilling our mission in life seem to be in the fabric of what the humans are made of.  When we ignore or neglect this duty of ours, all kinds of psychological problems might emerge.  There is no substitute for the diligent search for truth and fulfilling our true purpose.  Ironically, the truth is here and now, and it is too close to us to even hit us in the face.  It is engraved within.  We just need to let go of all the noise and distractions.

It might be unrealistic to assume that one can get rid of all phobias altogether.  I believe we should not look at this as an all-or-nothing proposition.  It is not either you have it or you do not.  It is more about managing and dealing with ourselves and remembering to accept ourselves as we are and know that once in a while phobia will show its ugly head and yes we might get scared.  However, we need to learn to manage.  To find the strength.  To seek the truth, and find refuge in it.

Some never have phobias.  This can be good or bad.  It is good if one reached a high level of surrender to God.  This is wonderful.  Some however never experience it because they do not even know they have phobias, or because they have convinced themselves of false beliefs about who and what they truly are.  They are blinded by money, power, strength, social status, etc.  Usually one day they wake up to find out that all of that cannot give them fulfillment.  Then their true journey beings.

The trap of finding others difficult

Sometimes difficulty in dealing with others comes from within.  A very simple example we all have probably experienced.  As teenagers, almost everyone has made an unreasonable request to a parent.  Whether you wanted a motorcycle, or to take a trip around the world with rock band, or requesting to stay out past bed time on school night, we all have experienced a parent who was difficult.  but the difficulty displayed might be warranted.  Same thing still applies always and on daily basis in many of our encounters.

Sometimes our ego gets in the way of looking at self and being honest on whether we ourselves are being reasonable or not.  Now, if one gets drawn into own drama, then one can start making things even more difficult for self by villifying the other person when much of the blame might be on self.

How to avoid such a trap? There is no simple answer, but there are things we can do to reduce its effect.

First it is important to put things in perspective and focus on facts, not assumptions.  For example, instead of assuming someone’s bad intentions, look at the actions and statements as they are, not more not less.  they can be ill intended and they might not be.   Instead of wasting time trying to second guess the other person, just make sure that you do what you feel is right.  If someone is making statements that are hurting you, state that in a clear, non intimidating way to them directly.  If they are asking you to do something against your interest, clearly state how you feel.

Also, if someone makes a statement and you are not sure why they make such a statement ask the question, “why are you saying that?”  but do it in a way that begs an answer not in an angry fashion.

So, instead of trying to judge others, deal with what is being done or said as they are, without drama or unnecessary assumptions.

another tip to help, is to tell self the other side of the story: “Maybe He is trying to help, when he did or said so and so.” This does not mean that you do not protect self, but it means, that there is no need to get angry over things people did not do or say, but you are assuming they are planning to.

When Societies Lie Collectively

When societies engage in lying,  usually the lies are more dangerous than when individuals lie.

“Collective lying,” (not a formal term, but used for lack of a better term) is a problem common in many social structures:  families, organizations, departments, communities, countries, etc are all forms of social structures.  When societies lie, each individual in the society feeds on the lie and are more inclined to believe it.

This is common in many organizations: “We are doing a great job!” says the whole organization in unison, from the top manager to the new junior employee.  One might ask how they came to that judgment, the rhetoric starts pouring in.  When asked for evidence of the claims of grandeur, more false statements are given as evidence.  How can anyone face an organization (or any social structure) with the bitter truth when they are unable to face themselves with it? Every type of social structures has its own lies; societies, communities, even families.  Some  social structures are deep into lies.  Some lies are used as an excuse for complacency.  Other lies are used for convenience, material gains, and sometimes honor.

It is puzzling not being able to find much research or information on this subject.  Especially that humanity has suffered a lot because of mainly collective lies, and societies choosing the easy route of believing them, protecting them, and even dying for them.  History is filled with examples of attempts to cover the truth.  Ironically, many of the collective lies throughout history where also made in the name of religion. It is ironic because the most profound examples of leaders, who went against the whole world in refusing to run after lies, are prophets: Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed (peace be upon them).   All of them questioned social norms and lies of idolatry, discrimination, unfairness, and greed.  The Quran mocks those who blindly follow their elders and leaders: [But when Moses came to them with Our signs as clear evidences, they said, 'This is not except invented magic, and we have not heard of this [religion] among our forefathers.’] Qassas:36.

So, how can one be immune from these social lies? There is no immunity.  The only solution is to honestly seek the truth, without prejudice or fear of being wrong.  So, one should dare to listen to all sides of the story, even from those termed as “evil” or “bad.” Just because the majority casts an “evil” label on someone does not make it true.  Another good place to start is to avoid the naive assumption that “since ‘I’ am on this side of an issue then it must be the ‘right’ side.”

“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.” ― Bertrand Russell

When feeling drained at work…

Most are tired and feel drained after a day at work.  But what is it that makes most tired? is it the work itself? or the stress? Some talk about the negative energy they get from getting exposed to negativity of managers, employees, customers, etc.  Others talk about the effect of the “negative work environment” as the culprit.   A Gallup Poll study from 2012 shows that roughly one in 3 employees are dissatisfied with the level of stress they face at work.  A trend analysis form the last three years shows that level of dissatisfaction going up.

When it comes to stress, it might be a good idea to look into the factors that drain someone from energy at work.  This might be done by observing closely personal mood, emotions, thoughts, and physical signs as the work day progresses.  A friend of mine told me that he tried to do just that, and he was amazed by the results: “It is almost never the level of physical work that makes me most tired.  It is my negative emotions.”  He even tried to track his negative emotions to see where they originated and to him they were in reaction to something happening at work.  Many with office work might experience the same situation.  Ironically, those who work clerical jobs have higher levels of stress than blue-collar workers.  This is according to a 2002 Gallup poll titled “Job Stress, A Price of Success.”  Experience proves this.  My inquisitive friend says that “there are days when I stay at the office a bit later than usual and come in a bit earlier than usual.  It is not so bad.  However, sometimes an hour of “negative” interaction requires hours of rest afterwards because of how tired it makes me feel.”

Negative energy is acknowledged in science as in religion as a major cause for fatigue and stress.  Some call it energy, others call it atmosphere, whatever it is called, it is not good at all.

When feeling tired at work, it might be a good idea to observe the cause of this feeling by observing one’s level of energy throughout the day.  Then find out what drains one most.  this might require constant checking, maybe every hour, to see how one is feeling.  It also requires checking how one is feeling performing different activities throughout the day: working on computer, in meetings, on phone calls, in discussions, negotiations, etc.

Stress is a personal experience and different people are stressed by different things at work.  However, the following four factors might play a role in draining one’s energy at work:

1) Trying to convince someone of something while he is resisting or refusing to listen.

2) Listening to constant negative criticism (like someone trying to put another down, or implying it).

3) Getting frequently exposed to people who lost faith in humanity: These are the people who put lots of effort into trying to convince you that people are wicked, lazy, and selfish.

4) Constantly being around pessimistic (not skeptical) people who do not appreciate what they already have and insist on nagging about what they do not have.

An important point to remember here is that turning these situations into stress is a personal choice.  So, no one can blame another for being stressed, even if it is the action of others that triggered the stress.  It is healthy to remember to take responsibility for how one feels and not lay blame on others.    However, one owes it to self to know what makes a person “tick.”  I talked to someone who did lots of study and research on the subject over the years and she warns from three personal emotions that lead to the negative energy:

1. Feeling responsible for how the other party thinks or feels.

2. Trying to influence others into thinking the way I am thinking

3. Trying to protect myself from the negative feelings / statements

Luckily, to combat these feelings there are techniques to experiment with.  They are not an exact science so they might work for some and not for others, and they might work occasionally or all the time, it depends on the person and the situation.  Here are four simple techniques to consider:

1. Relax and allow people to think differently and be negative if they choose to

2. Use “you could be right” statement more often

3. Silence and listening

4. Let things be without having to make a statement or change anything

No matter how skilled one is in preventing negative energy from getting to self, it is bound to happen.  When it does, some experts advise taking a break from work for a few moments and doing one of the following:

1. Breathe slowly and drive the breath down to your belly, not the torso.

2. Take a short walk outside

3. Do some stretching

Again, sometimes that might be enough other times it is not, and that is the way it is.

The Mind on Autopilot

Posted by ammarmango on February 28, 2013

Do you think too much? most people do and are not aware of it.  I know I sometimes do.  More often than I would like.

The mind is a key resource / tool for humans.  It is a blessing from God.  However, when the mind assumes that since it is so important and key, it starts working on “autopilot.”

The mind on autopilot is a dangerous thing.  Once in that mode, it assumes that it should think and give orders to the rest of the body on its own without consulting you:  The will /intent behind the mind.  And sometimes we let the mind get away with it. We should not.

There are five wrong assumptions that our mind sells us, and once we buy into them, autopilot becomes the “de facto” state of the mind.  These autopilot assumptions, or triggers if you will, are:

1) “You must be in control”

2) “You must solve every problem you face”

3) “The world and everybody must conform to your wishes”

4) “You cannot make mistakes”

5) “You are threatened”

If the mind convinces someone of any of these triggers then a person puts the mind on autopilot so it can “think” its way out of the threatening situation.  Then good luck coming back to the real world.

All this the mind feeds us is so untrue and even counterproductive.  Thinking never solves anything.  Action might.  Even if you believe you need a smart idea to solve a problem, thinking is not the source of good ideas.  Inspiration is.  Inspiration is like lightning.  It occurs sometimes out of the blue, if one has the right intent and the clarity of vision.  Actually, thinking clouds vision and crowds the brain from observing inspiration.

I am not saying stop thinking, but more of catching the mind going on autopilot and gently thanking it for its willingness to help, but the help cannot come from the mind.  The mind should work according to your intent, but the mind should not take over the body and all your resources and waste them on fearful thinking that seldom results in anything good.

For some, this comes easy.  For me, I need to keep reminding myself of this.  sometimes I catch myself early after autopilot kicks in, sometimes it takes time.  The more the brain is on autopilot the more time it requires to train the brain back into becoming a resource, not the leader.

How to use input from others to learn more about self

We always get clues from others about how we come across.  When the input is consistently repeated by different people under different circumstances, then that input becomes an important clue to help us understand self, if we choose to.  When we get clues from people around us about ourselves, we sometimes resist it and blame them for not being able to fully understand us.  It is not about them being right or not.    The important thing is getting the clue when the input comes from different people at different times in a consistent fashion.  It definitely shows that “my” actions and statements give that impression to so many people.  Whether we accept the input or not, it does not change the fact that our behavior is bringing out that reaction.  However, accepting it makes us more aware of self, which helps one grow as a person.

It is hard for a person to see self, let alone accept self.  Others can help one see self better just like a reflection help one get a glimpse of self, even if the reflection is a bit distorted.  One wants to focus more on patterns that get repeated often.  Even if the reflection is not really you , but it might be enough of a clue to help understand self.  This is why it is best not to depend on one person as that person might have a distorted view.

People always give us clues, but many times we do not pay attention.  For example, if one keeps getting hints from others of being  stubborn, and rarely do others hint about that person being flexible, then that person might be stubborn.  However, if someone during a tough negotiation calls him stubborn, it might be a negotiation tactic to get more flexibility from that person.  Most people will give you perceptions but sometimes conflicting ideas about how you come across, so take everything you see or hear with a grain of salt.  A good approach is to look for repetitive patterns.

There are people you want to listen to a bit more carefully than others.  These are your confidants who are close to you and unconditionally want what is best for you.  They also must have the wisdom and self acceptance that allows them to be more “seeing” if you will, and less judgmental.  These people are very rare.  Coaches, mentors, teachers, long time friends, and closest relatives might be able to play that role.

Be careful: Manipulators especially what I call “Cunning Deceiptful Manipulators” will try to put you down for their personal gains, pretending to give you honest advice to help you.  These are not the people you want to take their word to heart.  Even if you thought they were right in their judgment,.  They are there to hurt you and the best thing is to stay away from them and not give them a chance to judge you.  Try to use statements like “Do not make this about me…” or ” I am not here to hear your opinion of me, I want this problem solved….” etc.  Even if you think you can take it, do not take feedback from these sharks.  (To learn more about the personality I am talking about, please click here to see this video on youtube).

Luckily most people are not cunning, and it is OK to observe and listen to their clues when interacting with you.   There are some tips so not to get tied up in ego and blinded from learning about self during conversations.  One of them is to try to distant yourself from the situation as if the input is about someone else not you.  A third party.  This helps one be more objective and tolerant to the input.  Another tip is to listen and not rush into responding or defending.  This is hard but worth it.  Just listen, take a deep breath and say “tell me more…” instead of rushing into conclusions or getting emotional.  It is difficult but doable…most of the time

It is puzzling when one hears a person, who everybody considers unfair, call herself “fair.”   We all know people who consider themselves caring, but most of the people around them think of them as selfish.  It is not that people are liars, but people many times are not self aware, and they have their own perception of self which might be totally opposite to how others perceive them.

Knowing self might be difficult, but the other alternative is ignorance…

Response to a youtube comment: “What if this person is my mother?”

One of my YouTube videos talks about “Cunning deceitful Manipulators” and how to deal with them. Here is the link to the video if you would like to see it: http://youtu.be/U_UyuMVCFQc

This is in response to a question from viewer who was asking: “What if this person is my mother?”. Here is my response:

I commend you for having the bravery to come to this conclusion. This is not easy. It becomes harder if you are still a teenager, and or living with your mother. What also makes this challenging is that in most cultures we are taught that we are in debt to parents and they deserve a special treatment from us.
I have three suggestions and please start with them in order given:

1) Remember that your mom has a problem. This is not your fault.

2) Remember that she loves you and you can use that love to stop her aggression.  For example, express to her clearly how what she is doing is making you feel.  She cannot argue with how you feel.  Feelings are feelings.  She cannot say, but I did not mean to hurt you.  What she meant has nothing to do with it.  You feel what you feel and she needs to know.  I have seen aggressors who would not stop until they feel you were affected by what they said.  So, reduce your tolerance level and stop taking it in stride and show her immediately that you are hurt.  Try it, it works.

3) Write down your responsibilities towards your mom and actions you must take to fulfill them and feel good about self. Find smart ways to do your duties with least amount of hurt from her side.

4)Write down things that you do not have to tolerate from her, and how to protect yourself from each without neglecting your duties and without really hurting her. Remember sometimes manipulators try to make you think you are hurting them when all you did was defend yourself or stop their aggression. Remember you can be tactful yet assertive. This comes with practice.

5) Find a support group to help you through this. This can be in your community. Check organizations that offer abuse support. If none available, have a friend, relative, or mentor who you can confide with and who can at least listen to you. Choose wisely.

6) While hard to do, please try to always remind yourself that with challenges comes growth and learning.  This can help you become a better person, if you choose to.

I wish you well.

Regards,

Ammar

“I am as I say, not as I do”

I am sure many have experienced this: you are in the presence of a greedy person, and they start talking about how selfless they are.  Then you start thinking: “Is this guy for real?”  That question comes out of frustration.  But there is a more important question: Is this person lying to others or lying to himself?  Some might answer: “Both!”  Here is why:

We convince ourselves of our piety by telling ourselves and others how “good” we are.  If people are as good as they say they are, then the world would have been a much better place.  However, even though almost all of us are able to choose to do the right thing, many times we do not.  Instead, we choose to convince ourselves that: “What I am doing is not really wrong, because I have an excuse.”

This contradiction between who we say we are and who we really are takes place in our interactions with our families, children, colleagues, subordinates and bosses.  We even feel insulted when anyone objects to our behavior; they should understand why we are doing what we are doing. Or at least this is what we try to convince ourselves with.

Many parents get amazed how their children pick up on some of their bad habits.  Sometimes we feel translucent to others, especially kids.  The truth is that people are actually able to detect hidden emotions and intentions.  They can feel how others are.  This is why some can tell when someone is lying to them or not, or if someone is friendly or not.  They “see” beyond what you say/.  They are affected by how you think, and what you think.  Many times, they can see much of who you really are, not how you pretend to be.  This is why they pick up on the “real you,” and if you are the role model to them, they are for sure to imitate some of your behavior.

Some might be troubled by this because they worry about people finding out who they truly are and their weaknesses.  I think this fear itself is indicative of a problem.  The problem is worrying too much about how people perceive them and how they are judged.  If one is at peace with self, then what others think is secondary.  The more one worries  about how people think the less self respect one has.  Let us take this test to prove it:  Think of something you do not want others to know about you.  Most likely it is something you do not appreciate in yourself and you do not accept.  Once their is acceptance, worrying about how others think and their judgment becomes less.

Seeing self clearly and observing behavior objectively is very hard to do, yet essential.  It is important to do that as a patient coach would  do, not as a criticizer.  As a criticizer, one might end up hurting self from negative feelings about self.  As a coach, one can be willing to judge the action, not self, and try to do better.

Prayer, contemplation, acceptance, and surrender all help being more true to self.  I do not believe it is about some people got it and others do not.  I believe this is a journey and sometimes we are on the right path and sometimes we wander.   Going back to the right path is a choice.  Of course the sooner you do your self checks the sooner you can catch yourself when off the path and more easily be able to take corrective action.  the less often you do the self checks the more prone one is to being more distant from where one knows he or she needs to be.  But their is always a choice to go back and do the right thing.  Even if one has strayed for long, many are amazed that they are closer than they thought they were.  It takes the right choice and the sincere will.  The rest is almost too easy.

Onceler the Narcissist?

Onceler the Narcissist from the Movie Lorax: What narcissism looks like in today’s world

You can find the lyrics in the video description